2022 Reflection

……. and breathe! What a year!

Big up to @just1tori on the pic!

I hope you are well and that you and your family are doing great!

I am not sorry but 2022 was the year, I focused on myself away from normal everyday life, writing and social media.

Back in 2020, I felt unsure about my path in life as I was working in an unfulfilling job and in a relationship that was wrong for me. Although the employment and relationship differed significantly, the pattern of discomfort was the same. Everything was perfect from the outside, a management position at a worldwide known company but the relationship was a constant stress and I had a big cloud over my head. I kept trying to convince myself and others that everything was fine. Tough, but fine. But there was always a little voice that always told me, “Keep looking.” Something just felt – off.

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I changed both and I haven’t been happier. I joined a company with enormous growth potential and I found myself on a personal level. At the end of 2021, I made it known to a few of my friends that I would not be socialising at all. Some would say it is entirely selfish and yeah, it was. However, it was for personal development and I completed the task with flying colours and hit the target I was looking for by the end of the year. You’re not missing out on anything when you are busy working on your goals and dreams. Despite early resistance from a few, I did a good job and (mostly) stuck to my word.

2022, was also the year, I learnt a lot about people. I have concluded that I don’t like most people in my life and that’s the God-honest truth. Harsh but it’s reality. From the people, I’d ring to check in and not return my calls, to people not inviting me to their wedding and then going missing when I lent you money. Madness! I’ll get into the above later.

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I also started a new segment on Sundays where I turned off my phone from 23.59 Saturday nights to 9am Monday mornings, this allowed me to have some complete alone time away from the world. It was for me to focus on myself and do what I want without thinking about anything.

In January, I rang a friend for her birthday and she didn’t respond months later, “Sorry, I missed your call”. That’s insane and I can’t mess with people like this despite the amount of love I have had for her and the others who did this to me throughout the year. Nobody’s perfect, I get that. But we’re grown. Do you know exactly wtf you’re doing?

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Unexpected moments in life happen, but our mind has the power to interpret those moments in a way that either helps or hurts us. You can choose to view what happened in the past year as an opportunity to learn and develop, or something that prevents you from moving forward. By learning the lessons and changing accordingly, we can make 2023 a successful year.

In May, releasing a blog wasn’t in my plans but I had a burning sensation to give you, “Never been loved” and I think I know why! The person I was talking about in my blog, “You’re a loser” was actually a three-year (ex)perience that had expired but someone I knew deep down didn’t love me despite her saying the below, a month before we broke up.

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So, why was she marrying someone 18 months later? She’s a Sagittarius and Nigerian, so I should have known better. However, my blog was right, regardless of how you want to look at it. Just because she said she loved me, doesn’t mean I felt loved by her. Nevertheless, no salt from me, I wish her all the best with her ‘marriage’.

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You cannot immediately unlove what you loved unless you never loved it anyway. People don’t abandon the people they love, they abandon people they were using or needed for their own gain. I don’t care how I love someone I ain’t going through hell anymore to prove it. My life was filled with people who do not care about me. So I will no longer be the go-to person for everyone, I’m even further in my selfish era. I cannot constantly be there physically, emotionally and mentally for people who obviously don’t care about my best interests. When you love someone, you don’t make excuses. You make time. I no longer tolerate disrespect.

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It’s sad to see a person whose light has been dimmed by a relationship. Your relationship should have you glowing, not becoming a depleted and empty version of your former self. The more chances you give someone, the less respect they’ll have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the boundaries you’ve set because they know you’ll give them another chance. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know you’ll never walk away. The more chances you give someone the less respect they’ll start to have for you. They’ll begin to ignore the standards that you’ve set because they’ll know another chance will always be given. They’re not afraid to lose you because they know no matter what you won’t walk away. They get comfortable with depending on your forgiveness. Never let a person be comfortable disrespecting you.

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Sometimes, you just know when it’s over, you just know when you no longer have anything left to give. You just know when you’re ready, to move on, to start over. No matter how much time you have spent together, no matter how many memories you have or what your friends or family think. Sometimes you just know and there is nothing you can do about it. When it is over, it is over and nothing can stop the outcome. Nothing can make things go back to the way things were. All you can do is, accept this change. Women end up with men because he’s tall, the whole time he doesn’t even make her laugh or make her feel special. Men end up with women that look good on their arms. The whole time, she doesn’t even check on your mental health or care if you ate. What are y’all even doing?

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The right people always find you at the right time, don’t they? The right things. The right music. The right blog. The right art. It always seems to find you when you need it most. When you need a sign. A moment of clarity. Perhaps, we all are just following this path that has already been drawn out for us. Who knows! Because these things always tend to happen at our lowest points, the right people always find us at the right time. They always say the right things, these are the perfect words to mend your soul. The perfect laughter and smile. They captivate us, they move us when we need to be moved. They warm our hearts when we feel cold. They pull us back right when we’re over the edge. We then wonder, why because in some sense, these people were sent to save us. To help us back when we think we can no longer go on. It’s a beautiful thing, the way it works. The way it just falls back into place. The way new flames make you forget about old ones. The way new people enter and leave your life. It is all meant for something. Therefore, you don’t have to fear being alone. There is no doubt that you will be yourself …. again.

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People are waiting to meet you, people waiting to love you. Some places stand still until you’ve stepped foot in them. Something really beautiful could happen to you. Your impact on other people is bigger than you think. Someone still giggles when they think of that funny thing you said. Someone still smiles when they think of the compliment you gave them. Someone silently admires you. The advice you give has made a difference for people. The support and love you’ve offered others have made someone’s day. You’re not insignificant and forgotten. Your existence makes a positive difference, whether you see it or not.

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In June, I decided to step away from social media until 12th January 2023. I wake up every day and first give thanks and practice the art of being grateful. I know what it feels like to not want to be alive, I know what it feels like to not know what direction to apply my energy. I know what it feels like to have no money. I know what it feels like to give love and receive the distance in return. I know what it feels like to be there for people who won’t last the test of time in your life. I know what it feels like to fail. I know what it feels like to succeed. To be surrounded by people yet feel like you have no one. I know what it feels like to be absent from the things that make us feel alive. There is a lot I’ve been working to achieve and driving behind the scenes for a long time. Nothing was overnight and nothing was easy. It’s important to pause and be grateful, to reflect, and to listen to your inner being and to the world around you.

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In August, my friend told me, “You know yourself, so well”. “How does one learn this kind of thing?”

“I lost myself” I replied, “I wrote until I found myself, in my process, I broke every piece of mind, my heart and my soul. I studied all my fragments and then I put them back together; one trauma, one retreat, and one resentment at a time. Finally, I drew a map for me to follow, should I ever lose myself again”

I’m not interested in much right now, I’m really just focused on bettering myself and getting my life together. But my heart has ended up in soft hands again and love that for me. She has truly proved to me that what I had previously were awful relationships. Working on the parts of myself that I’m not proud of so my children won’t ever feel it, my spouse won’t ever feel it and the people I love and surround myself with, won’t feel it. I’m at a place in my life where I promise you, I will not deal with anything, I don’t have to. I’m leaving, I’m unfriending, I’m unfollowing, I’m blocking and doing anything I gotta do to not deal with people and situations where I’m not respected or valued. My peace is the priority. It’s a really humbling experience to realise your friends don’t place you on the same level of importance that you place them on. A necessary but humbling realisation. Life changes, you lose people, you lose friends. You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone and then without even realizing it, these pieces come back. New life enters. Better friends, come along and a more substantial, wiser you are staring back in the mirror. There’s something so special about finding people who just get who you are, and who you’re trying to become. It’s like discovering a piece of your own heart in another human being. It’s one of the most hopeful feelings.

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In November, I decided to turn my phone off for two weeks. An absolutely wild thing to do considering I didn’t even tell anyone, I’d be doing it and no way of contacting me. Nevertheless, a great experience as I was in my own little world for 14 days.

I also lost my Uncle on Black Friday, a heartbreaking experience as I watched his last few breaths before he passed. The core member of the family who is going to be missed so much by not only me but the whole R fam. I couldn’t sleep for a couple of days, as every time I closed my eyes, I’d see him just before he left us. But we gave him a great send-off at the funeral, days before Christmas.

Love you Uncs

I am going to complete the year by saying this.

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Firstly, I lent you money to stop you from being homeless and you go completely ghost on me as soon as the £ hits your account? Are you nuts??? It’s not even about the money, that shit gets replaced but it’s the principle for me.

Secondly, who cares if you don’t invite me to your event? But don’t send me some half-hearted invite to make up numbers, when you realise, I had no problem with you when I actually don’t have beef with the person in question.

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Thirdly, if I call you and you don’t give me a significant life update but then I find out from someone else, I know where I stand.

Finally, if you see a miss call from me, ring me back (within a decent timeframe), am I a prick? I’ll happily ignore your next call or text. I’m slowly learning that it won’t change anything even if I react, it won’t make people suddenly respect me. It won’t magically change their minds. I’m mastering detachment without drama and confrontation. It is giving me the emotional space I need, it’s a great feeling. Temporary people teach us permanent lessons.

Remember, if you’re discussing me in an attempt to defame me, it’s because you couldn’t defeat me. Linking up with my ex-Fiancé when I was more than faithful and she was cheating. But talking about my apparent wrongs when your friend lied about the whole situation. Allow it. it’s funny how people question a story from the horse’s mouth but have no problem blindly trusting a story that isn’t true.

Keeping your personal life private and not telling everyone your side of the story when you’re being portrayed as the villain is top-tier self-care. I’ll cook rice one by one before I worry about somebody not speaking to me.

Some people will stop speaking to me rather than apologize for being wrong but ….

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If you think I am talking about you. Let me help you. I am.

If you feel like you are owed an apology. You can stick that apology where the sun doesn’t shine.

I ain’t sorry to fucking no-one.

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