Never been loved

I feel like a loser & a failure, a waste of a human being, good for nothing and I feel like I don’t belong in this world either. 

I know that if I died today, my body would rot for months without anyone knowing. I don’t receive text messages or phone calls more than every few months. If I wasn’t active on social media, I doubt people will even care if I disappeared. That’s what you tell yourself, and you accept isolation and loneliness as a way of life. You can’t make people love you so you just continue on in non-existence to anyone in the world. It’s so lonely, knowing I have x amount of time left and will never be a someone’s one and only. I doubt I will ever walk down the aisle, call her “my wife”, wake up knowing I am loved or have children.

From the outside, I’m sweet, happy, determined and life seems fine but no one is interested in my life. That burning sensation in my chest still comes around on occasion. I wonder why no one can see my value. Why no one can see that I’m a hardworking, sweet, generous soul with so much love to give. I can only guess it’s because we now reside in a self-absorbed world. Nobody gives me any sort of affection or love and my mood is always down. I question myself on a daily basis & it feels like there’s an empty hole in my heart. My mood is constantly sad & upset but hide that with banter and fake hyped energy. Even the slightest of things like watching happy couples with kids or anything like triggers my emotions, because deep down I want the same thing but in reality, it’s never going to happen. 

Some would say, “Jason, you’ve been in 2 long-term relationships, how can you not be loved” Well, frankly, they didn’t showcase me the love I need and want.

1 cheated, the other one left me while I was grieving. So that isn’t love to me. 

Firstly, what is love? As many people, as many perspectives. I have been told “I love you many times” but I never felt it was true. Because for me love means appreciation, understanding, security, protection, forgiveness, gentleness and kindness. Love is unconditional acceptance. As I’ve gotten older and been through therapy, I have slowly learned how to love myself, which has in turn enabled me to love and receive love from others. It’s still really hard, though. It feels sad, lonely, embarrassing, disappointing. I’ve been treated as a worthless piece of shit by women as a collective. Being nice, intelligent, warm and loving have been of no value because as a Black man, I’m considered ugly, worthless and subhuman by most women.

I feel my last rejection left me with crippling intimacy issues, and back then I nearly took my life from the hopelessness and lack of belonging. I’ve never been loved. Oh, very recently I convinced myself that I was though. I wanted to be part of something I suppose. I’m getting older and I felt like time was running out maybe? I’m not sure. 

Hard pill to swallow but the way you want to be loved is valid, if people cannot love you the way you want to be loved THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU and nothing wrong with them! Sometimes we are mismatched and that’s it.

I don’t like dealing with people who make me feel like I’m losing my mind trying to get them to understand how I feel. I don’t like having to keep shit bottled up inside. I don’t like feeling like my feelings don’t matter. I can’t deal with anyone who makes me feel like that. It’s harsh out here for sure. I’m very open and honest, I value communication and sharing feelings. I feel it makes me an easy mark at times but I refuse to be cynical and closed off.

To put it blunt, it feels like utter shit. Everybody needs and deserves to be and feel loved, our soul craves it and when you don’t receive any form of love from anybody it makes your soul die inside (no I’m not exaggerating or being dramatic it’s true). They say “to love someone you must first love yourself” and while that is very true let me ask this, how can you love yourself when the rest of the world doesn’t? Let’s face it it’s impossible because you don’t see anything good in you or anything worth loving. When you’ve gone practically your whole life not feeling loved or accepted you start to close your heart. These things would lead a normal person depression, anxiety & other stuff.

I feel I am grieving for the things I’ve never known. It hurts to my core. Maybe, some people are just not meant to be someone’s significant other. However, that doesn’t stop me from living my life fully, giving love to my family and friends in abundance. I know I bring joy and laughter to so many every day, and that brings me peace. How does it feel? Most days are fine. You get a hobby and stay busy. As I’ve experienced this in my life before, I stayed well clear of getting myself too worked up. 

Nevertheless, you start to question your life a lot, as you get older & wonder how I got here. Your self-confidence is dented by negative thoughts because you don’t have anyone in your life that cares about you. Your mind is suicidal & you believe death is better than living this life. If you believe in God, then you start talking to him in your head & keep pondering about it. 

Not feeling loved slowly eats you away & it all depends on how you as an individual handle it. At night it keeps you awake the thought of not having anybody love you. You feel scared because if you died there would be nobody that actually cared about you & your soul will just leave the body with you knowing this fact. Also, you just keep dreaming that one day someone, somewhere will come along one day & change it all for you. Having someone love you on the days you don’t feel loveable is a whole different kind of intimacy. When shit hits the roof, it’s your intimate relationships that will most likely help you get through it. Such relationships are the bedrock of a good life. Cherish them!

True love doesn’t happen right away; it’s an ever-growing process. It develops after you’ve gone through many ups and downs, when you’ve suffered together, cried together, laughed together. Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do. It’s a different type of true bonding to have someone you can still vibe with, chat to, smile with, and trust when you’re down. Feeling loved above your capacity to feel loveable is a lovely, safe space indeed. The right people will love you regardless. That’s true love. Yes! It’s such a beautiful gift to be there to love someone, especially at times when they’re not loving themselves.

I do think love is possible, just not for me and I’m okay with that. I live a fulfilling life where I want to get to, I’ll get there. Why do I need a partner to complete me? Why do we need love? I love myself. I make myself happy. I’ve known for a long time that love was not going to happen for me. I did try though, as foolish as it was. It felt like something, I have to admit. I think it was desperation. There’s nothing wrong with people like us. I use to think that I was broken somehow. How could I not love anyone? How could I not be in love? I really don’t think I’m missing out on all that much. From my observations, love hurts! Why put myself through all that? My trust was broken. That hurt. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me, love is just another feeling/emotion that I’ve never experienced. Don’t push, or become desperate. Don’t talk yourself into thinking you’re in love. You’re perfect the way you are. We are a chosen few. We’re not broken, we’re not misfits, maybe we just need something more.

Before I move on, let me reiterate one thing and that’s no matter how much things are, NEVER EVER CONTEMPLATE SUICIDE, because it’s just the easy way out which was why I swore never to let myself become that weak spirited again over something so trivial and minor. Now skip 7 years to where I am now, I more or less have a realistic, yet stronger outlook on life. As I don’t find negativity in everything but my optimism has been burned out of me when it comes to love and emotional support so I learned to become self-sufficient and self-loving. Which does sound selfish, but at the end of the day, it’s not that bad when you’re on your own and you have to love yourself first and foremost especially if nobody else does. My advice is to learn to treat yourself and do what you love.

Yes, that’s the secret to getting love from others when you don’t feel enough love on the inside — when you don’t feel good enough, lovable enough, smart enough, anything enough — your default is to move into trying to get someone else to make you feel this way…. Right?

Trying to secure love on the outside causes us to chase after people and demand their love. But this just leaves us, well, chasing. It will never get you the love you want. That’s because the secret to feeling loved by someone else is loving yourself. When you love yourself first, then everything else will fall into place. Someone may take notice, or they may not, but doing what you love gives you your own place to belong when you feel like you’re drifting. Eventually you’ll have to count on yourself for your own happiness and if you keep an open mind, you can become surprisingly resilient.

Predators can smell unloved people a mile away, they know when someone doesn’t have people around to protect them others see them as unlovable and avoid them. As far as dating goes, possessive or abusive types don’t fly with me, first sign of trouble and I’m gone. I’m someone who’s responsible and can be counted on having had a lot of responsibilities at a young age and knowing what it’s like to be mistreated I have a knack for seeing when others are down and what they need. I’m the person people go to when they’re in trouble or need advice but it’s always been one sided, rarely has that been returned.

In recent years I’ve taken the stance of not helping people because they need it, only helping if they have built a relationship with me first. Entering into commitment or trust with another human being means laying every single shred of indignity you have faced at someone else’s mercy, for them either to love you or to reject you entirely. And since the weight of all that indignity is more than any one person can handle, they do reject you entirely, always. 

Sending love to everybody who always feels weird – like they never fit in but they don’t stand out either.

Sending love to everybody who has many acquaintances but not enough friends.

Sending love to everybody who is still searchng for somewhere that feels like home.

Disclaimer: I wrote this blog in August 2020.

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