Writer’s block

Something a little different from yours truly.

Been a while since my last blog. I have wanted to drop something but I had a severe case of writers block. I’d go on my website and look at the 12 different topics I had hoped to complete but my brain would just give up on me but I think I know why.

I have a few blogs dropping for certain other platforms aswell and I am sorry, I haven’t got around to it. I am just not happy with the content I am producing at the moment.

However, thanks to Sarah for the idea for this blog on Wednesday 9th December 2020.

“Have you considered writing about having a writer’s block? Jot down what comes to mind every time you go to write”

How to overcome writer’s block – Do free writing. Spend 15 minutes or more a day writing whatever comes off the top of your head. Ignore punctuation. Just write freely.

I thought that was a brilliant idea, so this is literally a freestyle and whatever happen, happens.

2020, (as for a lot of people) has been tough, real tough. I lost a lot of people, not only from death, key relationships with certain people I didnt think I’d ever lose especially as you had planned your future with certain individuals. But I guess, it wasn’t meant to be. “We move” as the youngsters would say nowadays.

This whole pandemic has fucked with alot of people and I am one of them. Like gang fucked.

Truly, held me down and fucked me bareback.

Back in March (2 days before lockdown), I had signed a contract to join one of the biggest companies in the world, that would have earned me triple my highest ever salary. My life would have been so different. Man, that broke me. I worked so hard, preparing for those 4 (four) interviews, to finally get the news that I got the job, I wanted to scream down the whole place but a bastard called, Coronavirus decided to mess that up. I was literally shaking when I sent that contract off to their HR but before it probably landed in their inbox, news spread of the UK going into a 2 week lockdown. I tried to stay positive, even cussing off people (in my head) while I jumped on the train when I saw people wearing masks days before but it was quite clear, something big was happening.

It was such a weird time. Then bam, lockdown. In my head, I was like, “3 weeks, calm, I’ll start this new career and I can move on with my life and this virus will move along” but in my heart, I knew this lockdown will last longer. I remember telling people on my IG, nothing is going to open up until June. I just had this feeling.

Then I get this awful email, middle of April.

“Hi Jason, unfortunately, due to the current lockdown, we regretfully have to withdraw this position until further notice”

I wanted the world to open up. I couldn’t believe it. All that hard work, wasted. WASTED! I tried to stay positive but then seeing the wave of people losing the jobs was heartbreaking. I knew a couple of people personally that it happened to. Awful time. Most that know me, will know, I am hardly ever home so to stay there for 3 months and only going out really to go food shopping was tough. I didn’t see my immediate family in this period and I couldn’t just go to an airport unprovoked and catch a flight? Really? What type of madness. 

In the middle of the first lockdown. News spread of my Grandad having to go back into hospital (he was released days before the lockdown) that he was having complications. I knew being in a hospital wasn’t the place to be and he had a strong case of catching the virus. Then he did. Luckily my guy was a fighter and he recovered from that. Then had his operation he was meant to have but days before he was due home, God decided to take him from me and my family. Last time I had actually saw him was March 11th and he left us July 1st. Bear in mind, I used to see him on a regular basis. 

The funeral came and gone and surprisingly, this was the time, my eyes opened regarding certain people. I had disappeared from social media for 2 months, I understand people were going through alot of shit themselves but the real ones were there for me. I had gone into deep depression. I knew it, I had experienced it before. I really tried to fight it, I really did and the few people who met me around that time, knew it. They saw a change in me, my energy wasn’t there, Jason wasn’t there, not even the Darkside Don. This was a Jason, I told myself wouldn’t get there again, regardless of anything. I’d tell myself, “Stay positive, the darkness is only for a few moments, you’ve been through this before”. But nope, it came and hit me very hard. I wanted the pain to disappear but there was no-one to turn to.  So don’t ever judge anyone on how they handle a pain, you’ve never felt.

A small convo with someone over social media (that I haven’t even met personally) regarding careers sparked something in me and thats exactly what I needed and the energy. I managed to secure an interview with a top University. 3 interviews later, I was down to a final 3. But news spread again of a 2nd lockdown. I couldn’t believe it. Are you really shitting on me?

As soon as Boris announced it, I get this email;

Please note that due to the current situation around the COVID-19 second lockdown, recruitment for this post is temporarily paused until the new year. We understand this will be disappointing news for you however this is a very fast-moving situation and we appreciate your patience and support in these difficult times. We will be in contact as soon as we can provide any further information. Thank you for your interest in working for ….

Unbelievable Jeff. Unbelievable.

Okay, the 2nd one wasn’t as forward as the first one but it was close. But can I not catch a break? This was the time, I needed support not someone coming at me for not sticking with “the plan” especially on a Sunday morning at 9am. Did I plan the world to be effed like this and with everything changing. Wearing masks is now the norm. Working from home is still a real thing for a lot of people. 

While on a zoom call

Yes, you were lucky enough to get a job in this crazy time, however you were also a person to lose a job in a pandemic, so humble yourself. Yes, you’ve worked hard to get in your position but so did so many people and they got made redundant because of it. Small businesses shut down as people used their life savings to start up.  Working hard =/= success. Especially in a pandemic. People are working hard to even apply for a job nowadays. Its a full time job looking for a job. I’ve got some many phone calls of recruiters interested in my CV “I’ll pass your details onto the hiring manager” and then nothing. A few have even lost their jobs as I’ve tried to chase up certain leads.

I’ve seen post of a woman needing to find a job in a week or she’d lose her home as she hadn’t been working since March. (I hope she found something) Another guy, applying for 500 jobs and still nothing. A woman messaging me on IG, that she had to move back in with her parents, because she had not been working for 9 months. All crazy pressure. So many people are struggling and in a far worse position than me. Alot of people have managed to secure promotions and start new careers and I am happy for them. So if you have still got a job in this awful time.

I locked off friendships and/or relationships because I can’t be around people with no empathy regarding the situation so many people are in. Some people I cared about was removed out of my life and it definitely hurt. But it was a blessing because I’ve had some amazing people enter my life since. I understand, it’s every man for himself to an extent but you should see that this world is effed. I dont care if you’re a CEO, a director, an influencer. Are you a good person? When all is said and done, the hole in the ground is the same depth for everyone. 

Nobody cares how hard you work, it’s what you accomplish and who you work with and how much time your family sees you, that counts. Underwork to outperform.

I want to better my life, as I am not happy about my situation. I know I deserve more and is capable of achieving some great things. But I know I have to be patient and get through this rough patch. For me, 2020 has been about survival and I’ve felt quite passive with everything that’s been happening. For 2021 (regardless of what is going on in the world) I wanna take more of an active role and make it a year of creation. 2021 is create the life that I want (no, not getting anyone pregnant (hopefully) lol) 🙏🏾 God willing the new year, will bring me the joy that I deserve with or without certain individuals who have wasted my time when I told them my plans. I worked hard to make things work. However, everything is timing, if you’re not prepared to wait then maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I often overplay my position in people’s lives. I used to think it was because I had such a big giving heart, but now I’m understanding I lack boundaries. I’m always going above and beyond for those I love and when it’s not returned I find myself in my feelings.

But I haven’t lost anyone weh me miss.. who fi deh ya, deh ya

Just when I thought I didn’t have a desire for new friends, the universe over the past year has delivered me some of the most incredible souls to laugh, share secrets, tears, dreams and joys with.

Also, if you have relationship problems, from December 17th, don’t come to me for any type of reassurances. I’m not a piece of meat you can have when you want because your partner is treating you like shit. Respek me bro. You lot are quick to drop BIG words about them despite what they put you through. Make it, make sense. Focus on your improving your relationship, better yet see a relationship counsellor. My 079 is no longer for you.

For now, I am all about getting my shit together and that is all that matters to me.

I’ll be back soon with some real content.

If this doesn’t make sense, it’s not meant to. This is just random thoughts in my head and as Dizzee said in 2003, “we need to talk more”



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