Before I’d have been judgmental and said “Are you mad, I’d never cheat”. However, now I understand it all.
First thing first, thanks to the Darkside Don for allowing me to use his platform on this serious topic. I have been dying to share this with someone (I can’t talk with friends and family) and when he asked for people to take part in this, I had to jump on it.
Yes, I know, I am a “bitch”, “lying cheating hoe” all the names under the sun for having these affairs but I had no other option (to an extent). So let me tell you my story!
I love my husband (it might not seem that way once you read the rest) but I actually do, believe me.
While it’s pretty much impossible to get a real number of how many people cheat on their partner because unfaithful people aren’t always the most forthcoming, it happens. It happens, a lot. More than we all think.
Reading Jason’s post on ‘Cheating‘, I cried myself to sleep that night, I felt every pain in his words. I knew exactly what he wrote, I had been there myself but I had an urge that needed another man on top of me.
My husband cheated on me before we got married but I forgave him as he confessed and he said, that it wouldn’t happen again. After that, we agreed to go to counselling. This is where we began to talk more and work things out. Things did get better. What surprised me was how open he was. Even though he’s my best friend, and we talked about everything, I just got a different perspective on him, like how he was raised and things he was taught about being a man from his parents. My expectations were different from what he had experienced and what he believed. That’s why we had so many problems, it opened my eyes. It made me think, “You have your way of thinking, I have mine. But we have to find a middle ground.”
I was used to being very independent. Good paying job, my own house, that typical Bachelor’s life. But I met this gorgeous man that had everything I expected my man to have. It was my first real relationship, I instantly fell in love! We were in a relationship for 4 years and bam, out of the blue, he asked me to marry him. Of course, I said, yes. I wasn’t really a marriage type as I grew up not even thinking about getting married. We had a lovely wedding with all my family and friends, I was on top of the world but only a few months into the marriage things changed and I was just not happy. I was ready to leave. I had expressed these things to my husband, about how we just weren’t communicating the best. But he was being very passive-aggressive, he was not addressing anything. Us women mentally switch off from relationships before we actually leave, he just thought everything was good.
It was so hard to let someone come in and give input especially when it came to living together because I was used to doing this on my own, I pretty much pushed him away. He just backed off and let me be in charge, which was a problem for me. I was used to a man being very strong and authoritative like my Dad and he was not that. Not that he couldn’t be, but I didn’t even allow him to be.
My coworker pursued me for about three years. We would flirt off and on, but of course, I would never engage him because I was married. I was never a person who was a cheater, or who believed in cheating in relationships. This was totally new for me. My husband does not know about these affairs and I will never tell him.
My co-worker was kinda like my ‘work-husband’, we’d go to lunch together and jump on the tube as we lived on the same line. I am not saying I was pushed to start cheating, I was just frustrated by my husband’s inability to tackle our issues. Although it was not an emotional affair, the thrill of sleeping with my co-worker, grew on me. I think it was partly because he stimulated me intellectually. We loved to travel. We had a lot of things in common at a time when my husband wasn’t trying to accommodate me. Anything I would bring up with him he didn’t want to talk about it or do it. The answer would always be no. If I wanted to travel? No. If I wanted to go to dinner?
So, my ‘lover’ was someone I felt compatible with at the time, intellectually and physically. We began this affair. It was sex, nothing more or less. I just wanted to feel wanted. We worked long hours. We would message all the time when we weren’t together and we’d meet up in hotels, spare rooms at work, anywhere really because we were both in relationships and it was the only way we’d get our (my) fix.
The affair lasted about a year and we only stopped because his wife fell pregnant and I think my husband started suspected something. He’d drop little hints. But he would never directly ask me. I would ask him, “Do you think I’m cheating?” And he’d say, “No! Of course not.” So, I’d leave it at that. The only way I could get out of the conversation.
When I and my lover broke things off, I had to start fresh and luckily, I managed to secure a new job, I even took a pay cut to take my marriage seriously. I just had to get away from my lover, for my own personal growth. It’s crazy but I needed to. The relationship with my husband improved massively. However, a man from the local restaurant had his eye on me. I thought he was a good-looking man but I thought I had passed the stage of my cheating ways. How wrong was I!
The more, I told this guy I had a husband, the more he seemed to pursue me, it was relentless. It got to a point where I wasn’t walking past his shop to get home so I wouldn’t see him. But, I saw him when I left work late one day, we flirted and he asked me to his flat. I stupidity agreed. As soon as we got in, we were ripping each other’s clothes off. It was such a frill but I felt like shit afterward! I had to stop this cheating! I cried myself on the way home. I felt like such a slut!
Self-reflection is a powerful thing. I learned to compromise more. Getting married, there was so much change for me, and I just thought I was outgrowing my husband. I learned to calm down and understand that just because I’m changing, doesn’t mean he must change with me or at the same pace! I think that’s where a lot of us women seem to do wrong in our relationships. I was ready to leave him because I thought he should be keeping up with me, well he was, I just didn’t take into consideration. Well, he’s the same person I met and so, I had to be okay with that. He’s happy. I had to learn how to be happy with him.
Did I get much clarity from my disgusting past? I did not like my husband, I could not stand him at one point, I did not want him to touch or talk to me, let alone make love to me. So, no. At the time, I definitely had a tunnel vision on how I was seeing things. I was happy doing what I was doing, it gave me a new lease on life. I felt no remorse at all especially as my friends at the time were all cheating. That helped, as well. They’d be in my ear, telling me things what they were doing. It kind of egged me on a little bit even though they didn’t know what I was doing.
Do I regret cheating? Yes, and no because I never wanted to hurt my husband. Spiritually, yes and I believe that having an adulterous affair was a sin. That’s my belief. But also no, because I grew so much from that. I learned more about myself and what I wanted from my marriage. There were so many things I had to learn; as far as being a wife, being a woman. I can relate on a different level now regarding the cheating topic. Where’s before, I would have been like, “ That’s wrong, what are you doing?!” I would have been so judgmental and critical but this experience taught me a lot.
I understand how easy it is to get caught up, for it to happen and how easy it is to be in a situation, and not knowing what’s going to happen. I just didn’t know how I was going to get out of it. Cheating is bad, work on your relationship, otherwise just leave! Thankfully, I am in a happy place and I love my husband to bits but the back of my mind, still think about the 2nd life I did have and hopefully, I will not go back to the state, that chapter is closed.
Do not judge me!
Thanks again to Jason for the opportunity to tell my story xxx