Nobody’s perfect, but even the worst person in the world doesn’t deserve to feel that kind of betrayal.
I’ve seen some feedback on my last post and this one is to address a few things. Again, thank you to Jason who is more than happy to allow me to tell my story.
Read my part 1 below
Some would say, the first wrong choice I made was marrying my husband after he cheated. But looking back, I set myself up for failure, but it seemed like the right choice at the time. I said, my husband, cheated before my marriage, I can confirm that was a lie.
I cried myself reading Jason’s Cheating blog because I see my husband having those same thoughts about me so I wanted to get everyone on my side emotionally before I confessed. It was wrong to do but in my head he truly has cheated, but I haven’t managed to catch him! Everything else, I said in my post was 100% true. I had dreamt about him cheating, leading to my negative thoughts, I’ve checked his social media, followed him from when he met up with his friends and checked his phone at night while he was asleep.
Let me tell you why I did the above. During our dating stage, my partner had a milestone birthday and we had a gathering at his house. His family and friends turned up and it was the first time I had a lot of them had met me, they were all nice. However, he has a lot of women friends. I never quite got to grips with why he chose me when he had so many options. I just never understood and I couldn’t make sense in my head. They were so beautiful.
I asked my husband a couple days later if he had any relations with any of them but he pretty much shut me down very quickly but I was very suspicious. Yes, it was a bit of insecure on my end, I can admit to that. As stated in the previous post, we did go to counselling due to the underlying issues related to previous experiences, that’s never been addressed. Marriage counselors helped devise techniques to improve our dialogue around tough topics. I am glad we did, as I said previously, it opened up my eyes to how he viewed manhood and his upbringing on a deeper level. So when he asked me to marry him, I was shocked but extremely happy.
I’ve done individual therapy behind his back to help with healing that’s why I had to leave my previous job. I knew I wouldn’t be able to if that person keeps necessary interactions all-business (aka, no 1-2-1 texts or DMs!). I didn’t ask him to stay silent about your indiscretion, I knew he would considering his wife was expecting. It’d have been a whole lot of mess. I felt so crappy that it took me a few weeks to build up the nerve to admit what I had done, my lover didn’t take the news very well but he understood. Hey, he had a whole family to deal with and didn’t want to be throwing my pussy around.
I had met someone, and I put a wall between my husband and myself while opening a window between me and this new person. My work-husband and I shared intimacies and secrets I felt incapable of sharing within my marriage. Some would say, cheating is fueled by emotion, I don’t care what anyone else says, I can agree if you care enough about your partner, you won’t cheat. But, I didn’t care about my lover, it was simply sex.
I was just unhappy in the relationship. My version of cheating wasn’t about searching for something outside of your relationship that I was getting from my partner, it was pure selfishness. As stated previously, I wanted out of my marriage by any means necessary. I didn’t care, nor did I consider how it would make my husband feel. I loved my husband, I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t.
You can’t hold a marriage together with just love, it needs communication, understanding, trust, respect, loyalty, etc. I’m monogamous by nature, and when my needs are met, I can barely look at other men. I never planned to cheat! You don’t just wake up and think about cheating, it’s a process. At first I didn’t think I’d feel bad because it was such a spiteful and purposeful action, but as soon as it was over, I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me.
I thought marriage would change my husband, that our wedding vows would turn him suddenly more affectionate, passionate, and communicative. He’d be more complimentary about things that I couldn’t see or chose not to see! We could make each other laugh, the banter was on point but too much time together always left us fighting because I’d overthink things, and looking back, most of the things didn’t need to be addressed, it was just me thinking 4 steps ahead.
If I could go back, I probably would have handled things differently. Moving forward, I definitely couldn’t put myself or anyone else through that horrible experience. I’ve seen someone say, I need to tell my husband about the affairs to clearly heal, what is a more, civilized and respectful way to end a relationship than by saying? “Oh, by the way, this guy was erected and I decided to fall on his dick with my legs wide open. Do you forgive me?”
Nowadays, I’d rather ghost than cheat on him, at least ghosting is a little less hurtful. If you’re so inclined to cheat because of an attraction for another person, have the decency to end your current relationship first please.
I may have chosen to cheat because I resented my husband for things he’s doing or failing to do in your relationship. There’s still a strong part of me that thinks he has cheated himself previously and I probably reacted consciously or subconsciously. Regardless, the fact remains that I am the only one that has betrayed my husband’s trust by acting on the urge to cheat. I’ve learned the spouse that’s been unfaithful should never blame their partner for their own decisions and behaviour which is why I’ve taken ownership and full responsibility and that is why we’ve been able to recover.
Will my marriage survive it?
There hasn’t been a single day where I’ve not thought about the choices I’ve made, and how it’s impacted my life and every time I think about it, is pure guilt. I don’t think that’s ever going to go away. It’s been over a year since it’s happened, yes, I had a lot of flashbacks but I truly believe we’ve come out on the other side of the affair with a stronger relationship than ever. My husband used to turn down my sexual advances, rarely complimented me, and often didn’t want me to touch him, even if it was just to cuddle on the couch. I voiced my needs in the therapy session as well as many times throughout our years together. He told me things like, “There‘s no point in complimenting you because enough is never enough.”
He made it seem like I was an endless pit of longing whose needs he could never meet. To be fair, he was right. I was wanting him to be an entirely different person, I knew I was in the wrong. For years, I got my emotional needs through close relationships with other women. Since I wasn’t able to connect with my husband very often on deeply emotional and intimate levels, I confided to my close women friends. I met often with them for coffee, dinners, chatted with them on the phone when they weren’t busy with their families or cheating.
When I cheated I actually surprised myself with an absence of guilty feelings, and I didn’t fall for another person. I’d think I am over my cheating ways. Others realize they’ve chosen infidelity as a possible escape out of their marriage. All of these revelations are often followed by divorce, or to perhaps put it more optimistically, a new beginning. But I didn’t go down that route, I love my husband and I’ll continue to work on my marriage!
Thank you for reading my story.