Self-sabotaging

It is often driven by negative self-talk, where you tell yourself that you’re inadequate, or unworthy of success.

One of the worst things you can do in your life journey is to let one bad moment turn into a bad week, a bad month, or even a bad year. You have to learn how to sit with your pain and how to rise above it or you’ll watch life pass you by as you become a shell of yourself.

I had no desire to ‘start the year off strong’. I was focused on resting. I am still doing this. Generally speaking, I’m in no rush. “Forcing it” has never worked for me, EVER. I’m honouring my own timeline and filling my cup so that I can operate from overflow, instead of depletion. I’m refining ideas that will be actioned in the coming months. And that action won’t be filled by urgency, it’ll be fuelled by a deep level of self-trust and grounded confidence. This requires silence and a shit ton of patience, which is why I took 6 months off social media. Behind the scenes, I’m changing my mind about many things – how I want to love and be loved, how I want to approach my work, and my ideas about myself. It’s exciting for the most part. I’m getting to uncover the intricacies of my values. This can’t happen if I’m feeding the urgency beast.

I’m strengthening my voice in ways, I didn’t expect. I’ve spent the past year and a half observing and now I feel like it’s time to unleash these newfound layers of me through my writing, which is the most daunting, exposing, the yet liberating thing I have ever done. On my website, my intention is to capture the hope I feel almost daily, despite the fuckery happening around us. My intention is to remind us all that we get to own our thoughts (even/especially the wrong ones), cultivate the courage to speak our minds and make space for free expression to flow. That’s my focus. That’s what I care about.

I have something slightly controversial to say, your experiences and decisions may do a full circle if you stop consulting your family and friends for every decision, situation or text. You have all to gain by thinking for yourself, by yourself. Do not drop screenshots in the girl’s group text, telling everyone about how they made you mad, asking folks what they would do in your situation and getting approval from the only person that matters to you. All these women want a good man’ until they get one and realize he’s going to make her stop her shit and start acting like a real woman. Most of you aren’t ready for that conversation.

Be mindful of why you ask for advice, a lot of times that we’re asking for advice we’re asking because we lack confidence in our ideas so we seek the validation of others. Don’t be dependent on other people’s opinions for you to act on your vision or idea. That’s your vision. Everybody is not going to see it or understand it and that’s okay. Stay true to your path and your vision even if that means going against the opinion of others. I mean, don’t get me wrong. You should be open to feedback but the key is to find a balance, staying true to your vision and being receptive to feedback while also being mindful of the reason why you’re asking for the feedback or that opinion. It can be a tricky balance but when in doubt, always go with your vision because you can sleep better at night knowing that you followed your vision and your idea. It’s easy to agree that you reserve the right to think and speak freely, without punishment. It’s harder to hold that same mindset when faced with those you strongly (or even mildly) disagree with. One of the best gifts you can give to yourself is accepting that the infinite number of thoughts and views that exist will NEVER perfectly align with yours. This seemingly small mindset shift, when truly embodied can free you in the most unimaginable ways.

We’ve all been hurt and disappointed, and I am sure we all at some point in our lives said, “I don’t ever want to feel this way again.” We set an intention for ourselves of how “we don’t want to feel” instead of how “we want to feel”. Senses guide our thoughts, attitudes, and choices and create our outcomes. This year, I made it clear to myself to not ignore my inner self and just remove myself. Too many times, I’ve doubted myself just to be proven right in the end. Most times we don’t believe in our inner self because we’re lying to ourselves because we don’t want to lose the person yet. I am mad at myself for giving the best parts (at the time) of me to the shittiest people.

Some people are going to leave, but that’s not the end of your story. That’s the end of their part in your story. I like exiting people’s lives gracefully. I’m not going to cuss you out, tell you what you’re missing out on, or beg you to reconsider or try to change myself to keep you or anything like that. I will leave gladly and you’ll never hear from me again. I’m going to make you stand on your decision. I’m slowly realizing that no matter how good you are to people, they aren’t obligated to be good to you. You give love because you were raised on love, whereas, some people only know how to take love. If you are not sure, the answer is no. If someone rushes or forces you to make a decision, the answer is no. If you feel any bad energy, bullshit, weird vibes, or sneaky shit, the answer is no. If someone tries to change your “no” to “maybe” or “yes”, the answer is still no.

There’s this peace, assurance and comfort I’ve found in my 30s that’s elevated my life. Being more comfortable and content whilst having the ability to do so much for myself has prevented me from accepting or settling for bullshit. I only welcome things that add, not subtract. Do you know how good it is to not NEED anyone so I can do something? To go anywhere in the world or do anything I like alone comfortably. Solo holidays, meals, cinema, events, etc. I really am living in my own world a lot and it’s GREAT here.

Have you ever found yourself working toward an important goal only to spectacularly fail because you did something stupid? Or, maybe you feel stressed and anxious when trying to achieve something important. This, in turn, might make you feel more and more frustrated, discouraged and angry with yourself. These feelings trap you and keep you from doing what you want/need to do.

These are all signs of self-sabotage.

Self-sabotage erodes your self-confidence and self-esteem, and affects your relationships with others. With every failed attempt to do the thing you want, you “prove” to yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t do it. Whatever self-sabotaging behaviours you have, you must overcome them if you are to make the most of your life and your career. Fortunately, you can escape self-sabotaging behaviour. Sabotage is the act of destroying or undermining something, often in a covert manner. Usually, it implies direct and deliberate involvement on the part of the saboteur – that’s why the word is most commonly used about spying, or in business situations where an insider is causing the damage.

The term self-sabotage is used when this destructive behaviour is directed at yourself. At first, you may not even notice that you’re doing it. But when negative habits consistently undermine your efforts, they can be considered a form of psychological self-harm. Self-sabotage can manifest in many different behaviours, unique to each person. You find yourself thinking things like, “You can’t do that!” “You don’t deserve that.” “If you try, you’ll probably just fail anyway.” “I’m not ready!” We’ve likely all experienced behaviours like these at some point. But some of us are more prone than others to self-sabotage, and it can be difficult to admit that we’re doing it. So, don’t ignore or underestimate the signs – self-sabotage can reinforce a misplaced sense of worthlessness and provide a justification for negative thoughts that have no basis in reality. One of the key reasons people self-sabotage is a lack of self-esteem. This can have many different causes, but the effects are the same: feelings of worthlessness or incompetence, the belief that you don’t deserve success, and even self-hatred. Some people self-sabotage because it makes them feel in control of their situations. By sabotaging and then rescuing a situation, they might receive a short-term boost to their self-confidence. It may even feel temporarily thrilling. However, these “rewards” turn out to be destructive in the long term.

Self-sabotage sets you up to fail in several ways. First, it reinforces negative behaviours that eat away at your potential for success. In this way, you may constantly find yourself falling short of the goals you’ve set for yourself. It can also damage your reputation. People who self-sabotage might also behave passive-aggressively and have trouble managing anger. These tendencies damage relationships. Such failures and disappointments create further feelings of guilt and frustration. And, over time, this can build up into shame, which feeds low self-esteem.

Always aim to manage your emotions, so that you don’t commit to behaviours that have negative consequences, or that unjustly affect others. Check the warning signs of anger and anxiety before they get out of control. Notice what you say to yourself when you engage in self-sabotaging behaviour. Journal all your negative self-talk, however silly or unrealistic it may seem. The ideal time to do this is when you’re engaged in the behaviour. Monitor your “stream of consciousness” and write it down. When you know what your negative self-talk is, ask yourself what deeper beliefs lie behind this self-sabotaging thinking. Are these beliefs rational? Are they based on any clear facts?

As you become aware of the negative emotions, behaviours and thoughts that trigger self-sabotage, you can begin challenging them. And if you can change one of these three aspects, the other two will change more easily. When your skills, beliefs and behaviours are aligned, you can create the mental, emotional and physical states necessary to do whatever you want.

To stop self-sabotage, you first need to recognize your own behaviours. Think about goals that you’ve had for a long time but have never accomplished. Are there particular areas where you’re putting off making a decision? Are you suffering from a lack of motivation, even for necessary things? The reality is, when you meet the right person, the timing doesn’t matter. There is no wrong time to meet “the one!” While you should never completely give up your previous life, the right person will outweigh anything else going on. You’ll want to prioritize them and your relationship, no matter what situation you are in.

I’ve never believed in the ‘Right Person, Wrong Time’ mindset. The right person is timeless. They will make you want to throw your plans aside and focus on your future together. Moreover, you’ll realize that your plans just don’t seem as enjoyable without them by your side! Everything’s better when they are around. You may even start to wonder how you ever made it through life without them. When you feel that strongly for someone, there’s nothing that can stop you from moving forward together — especially timing. The right person will never stand in the way of anything in your life. In fact, they will encourage you to pursue your dreams and reach your goals. They’ll lift you up when you’re feeling down and bring out the best version of yourself.

Fuel your partner with energy. Not just sexual energy but emotional and spiritual energy. If they’re worthy, in turn, you will reap big rewards. If there’s a reason you don’t want to be with someone, likely, you’ve simply met the wrong person. It’s always the right time to meet “the one,” so if you’re unsure, you’re probably not meant to be! If you’re using the excuse “the timing is wrong,” what you’re actually saying is that the person isn’t worth your time. If they are “your person,” you’ll make time (it really is that simple!). Why are you self-sabotaging. Let your intuition guide you. Throw the clock and calendar out the window — if you meet someone great, they won’t matter!