It’s been a long year and it’s gone by in a flash. Is it just me?
I write what I want to get rid off my life on this website. I upload it and watch it go up in smoke, gone. Done. This year, I lost, won, failed, cried, laughed and loved but I didn’t fold. I then write down something I want to achieve in the new year, fold the paper and watch it go up in the realm of wishes.
I am trying to figure out why I rarely blog any more. When I started, 6 years ago, I blogged every day. But my life was simpler then. My life feels more complicated now. Heck, the world is more complicated. I cannot bare to write about trivia when we are facing an existential crisis and I cannot find words to describe or clarify the crisis because everyone all around is trying to do that and most people I know are doing pretty well.
Each chapter (posts) this year has addressed something different that I wanted to write about and what I’ve experienced. The back end of 2019, I said, 2020, I am now longer taking disrespect! 1st January, I blocked the very person I was talking about in that “Do not lend money” blog as she violated.
Somebody asked me, “Why do you stop talking to some people without an explanation?” Because people know what they’ve done to me. I’m not about to address anything to a grown person. You moved how you moved and I moved out your way respectfully.
I also moved from a relationship that I knew wasn’t right for me long-term. What tipped it was the title of this blog. Imagine calling someone that while they’re depressed and still grieving. 2020 was a tough year for a lot of people and only the entitled people were expecting so much from people that were struggling. Depressed people shouldn’t be told the main reason they shouldn’t feel down because of how it might affect others. These people deserve love, help and support, not guilt trips. Depressed people deserve to feel like their life is worth living for their own sake.
Your trauma is 100% valid, whether you talk about it or not. What was your greatest loss this year? Nothing, whatever was meant for me remained, whatever was not meant for me left. Not wanting to be around anyone until I get myself together is where I’m at. The most pathetic feeling is when you get in a fight with someone because you expressed what made you upset and instead of apologising they find a way to make you feel bad about it, so you’re left regretting even saying anything at all. Just because you didn’t intend the harm does not mean you are absolved from accountability.
It’s so obvious when someone doesn’t care about you anymore, tough pill to swallow but there’s no reason to stay where you’re not wanted. I spoke to my youngest sister and told her, “I can’t do this anymore”, even she said, “Jason, you need to leave, if you’re not happy” and she was right. I had to leave, and that’s what I did. Your best teacher is your last mistake.
My friend also said to me, “Sometimes, you have to make peace with the fact that you are the villain in someone else’s story even if you thought you were doing the right thing. You don’t get to tell them how to narrate their experience. Learn to be ok with people not knowing your side of the story. You have nothing to prove to anyone”
Don’t y’all hate when you tell someone you don’t talk to an ex or a family member anymore and the first thing they say is “life is short”? Like yeah, I know, which is why I’m not going to spend it tolerating several forms of abuse and narcissism. Also, you have to realise you can’t talk it out with everybody. Some people are stuck in their ways, and there’s nothing you can say so just remove yourself from the situation that’s disturbing your peace. Stop holding on to the rope that’s tearing your hand apart. When you look at someone you used to love and feel nothing, that’s inner peace. Sometimes the people you wanted as part of your story are only meant to be a chapter.
Stop overthinking why people did you dirty. They did it and they meant it. Move on.
You will go from being the perfect love of their life to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will end up depleted emotionally, mentally, spiritually and probably financially and then get blamed for it. So many of you are living in situations you don’t want to be in. I want you to know you have the power to change your reality.
Some people will never ask for your side of the story because the side that they heard fits the description of how they want to feel about you. I’ve noticed, lot of women like drama. It’s almost like they feed off on it and call it strength. A lot of women will actually help each other stay in toxic relationships. Women really need to look at themselves and stop playing the victim.
The only problem with women and the phrase “act right” is a lot of them interpret it to mean act how they think a man should. And that’s problematic because they’re essentially judging a man’s behavior based on their own female value system. So for a lot of women, a man doing reasonable male things get described as not acting right. Especially if it’s when a man does something she dislikes, hurts her feelings, or takes away some advantage or leverage she has.
Some people are too selfish, independent, wishy washy and stubborn to vow the rest of their lives to someone else. The problem is that we all share these traits or parts of them, some spot it in themselves prior to marriage but decide to ignore or convince themselves that they can change their partners. How do you react during good or bad times? How do you support you at your lowest & vice versa? How do you get through to them when they’re not willing to listen to anymore. My point is, there is more to a relationship/marriage than good sex, gifts and catching flights.
I constantly see women referencing men doing things that they feel make them look stupid to the public. They go on rants about it and proclaim how quick they’ll cut a man off of it etc. But I don’t see the same level of enthusiasm when it comes to the things women do make themselves look stupid. I point out all the time how women use assumptions to make major decisions, how their stances and approaches to dating lack logic and how the ways that they behave are often hypocritical to the things they say they care about. Why wouldn’t women focus more on making sure the things they post on social media that other people will read don’t make them look stupid? It seems like women care more about not “looking stupid” to other people than they do actually making stupid decisions or behaving in ways that don’t make sense. Why isn’t there this level of importance to make things they do themselves don’t make them look stupid? Because those are the things that women have 100% control over. So it’s very odd to see that behaviour pattern among so many women these days and it’s a really difficult phenomenon to explain.
My entire life has changed in a year. I just had to love myself enough to know I deserved more, be brave enough to demand more, and be disciplined enough to actually work for more. So now, I look back and am immensely grateful for things not working out, the way I wanted them to. If you feel the need to alter yourself in order to appear more desirable to a person that isn’t your partner. I’m actually more me right now than I have been in my whole life and I am going at my own pace.
I don’t care what nobody says, good people get tired. Tired of being let down, looked over, used, lied to etc. It’s really hard being a good person out here. Nobody can change my character but I’m no longer trying to keep anybody happy, shit will drive me crazy. You can’t tell women nothing about themselves these days if it isn’t praise, motivation or empowering! Otherwise they feel like you’re attacking them. That’s why so many women struggle with relationships! They want the happily ever after but will have a problem with any criticism intended to help them get there.
It’s kinda nuts how our choice of boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband can totally change the outcome of our life. The person we choose to spend our life with could literally be the difference between a joy filled, productive and prosperous future or a miserable, unproductive and problematic one. I can’t believe how many unrealistic women there are out here, that make up all these assumptions about how he really felt, or what he was using her for. It’s completely ridiculous to think that somebody is supposed to be ready for what you want, when you’re ready or else they’re not worth dating anymore.
If I had the power to go back and change circumstances and people I chose to invest in, I’d change nothing. I am who I am today because of those events, circumstances and people I chose to invest in.
I don’t think anyone has ever understood me in my lifetime. But I want to fall in love with someone who will take care of me — not in a materialistic way but rather, fall in love with someone who will take care of my soul. Fall in love with someone who will take care of my mind, someone who will take care of my heart. Fall in love with someone who will take care of even the most chaotic parts of who I am.
I am proud of how I’ve handled this year. The silent battles I fought, the moments I had to humble myself, wiped my own tears and pat myself on the back and I celebrate my strength. Stop letting your potential go to waste because you don’t feel confident or ready enough. People with half your talent are making serious waves while you’re still waiting to feel ready. Remind yourself that you don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. Spending time alone to cleanse your energy is so important. You see, that’s what happens when you’re too bright, the darkness tries to cloud your sunlight. If speaking kindly to plants helps them grow. Imagine what speaking kindly to humans can do. Don’t get angry or enraged or insulted. Rise above the bullshit. Flick your light back on and shine it brighter than ever and fall so deeply in love with your life that anyone who tries to wrong you becomes a laughable, ridiculous distant memory. I’m not a very religious person but I always say, “Hope is God” because that’s all we have as a human. Hope is what keeps us motivated, it’s what keeps us alive.
2019 – Changed me
2020 – broke me
2021 – opened by eyes
2022 – I’m coming back
I’m not viewing 2022 as the year I get everything. 2022 is the year, I continue to plant seeds, develop my self awareness, learn more and take another step to becoming the best version of me. I won’t let loneliness make me reconnect with toxic people. You wouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty. You know that little asshole in your head, the one that is always telling you lies, you’re letting it win again. Stop it. Expect little from people, expect a lot from yourself, that’s the secret of a happy life.
I can happily say now that I’ve met someone, and it’s so clear that the two of us are on same level and belong together. You just work, whether you understand one another or you’re in love. You meet these people through your life, out of nowhere, under the strangest of circumstances and they help make you feel alive. I don’t know if that makes me believe in coincidence or fate but it makes me believe in something.
I used to think I was extremely introverted because I really liked being alone and it turns out I just like being at peace with myself, my surroundings and I am extremely extroverted when I am around people who brings me comfort and happiness. Despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. This is the heart of clarity.
If you knew how hard it was and how long it took to rebuild my little universe of peace and happiness than you’d understand I’m so picky about who I allow in my life. Focus on what you can control? Why? Because when you do, you pull yourself back into a more mindful space. You empower yourself to think constructively. You force yourself to stop ruminating. You take your power back. If you always complain but don’t make changes, don’t expect anything to change.
A dream written down with a date becomes a goal. A goal broken down into steps becomes a plan. A plan backed by action becomes reality. Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Fall in love with the path of deep healing. Fall in love with becoming the best version of yourself but with patience with compassion and respect to your own journey. Focus on self-love rather than trying to manifest love externally. Once you are genuinely love yourself, the Universe delivers more things that match your energy – e.g. people who are worthy of love your life.
2021 is almost over. You have a few days left to choose the people, projects, experiences and situations that are worth your time and energy. End the year on a note that makes you feel really fucking proud of yourself and start focusing on your goals and intentions for 2022. You’re going to love, find a job, create art, do what you love, feel powerful again, you’re going to be back on track. I don’t know when, but you are going to feel like yourself again, eventually. this isn’t the end. Hey, I’ve done that this year, you can too.
I am heavy on self-improvement right now. It’s me vs me. Understand this. You’re not missing out on anything when you’re busy working on your goals and dreams. Stay focused. So if you see me less, I’m doing more. I’ll be back in 2023.
See you man then
List of priorities for 2022.