This is all pathological lies, nothing’s factual and it’s based on true stories.
You’re not healed, you’re just isolated with no one to trigger you.
Since 2016, I’d like to think I’ve created a platform for men like me to have a safe space and talk about some intense shit from cheating, depression and just a small amount of pressures men go through daily, especially as a Black man living in the West.
When I started my blog, there wasn’t a space for men to showcase their vulnerability and at the time, people did not care about our feelings. No piece of grace or sympathy. As men, we carry the world on our shoulders and have no one to lean on a lot of the time. So when I do show a reasonable level of vulnerability and emotions, I just don’t understand how people then take that and then treat me like shit after everything I’ve been through. But I guess no one really cares and no one owes me anything. It’s so disappointing for it to come from the same gender who apparently fight for men for speaking up, only to throw them away like nothing when it doesn’t fit your outrageous standards.
I don’t like women, absolutely despise them! I guess calling out women’s poor traits is now seen as hate, it’s not like I do the same with men especially when we mess up. I assume I am only surrounded by women on social media and I definitely don’t have any type of friendships. I guess my hate for my women has also come from previous failed relationships (I am heterosexual (are you even allowed to say that nowadays?) ) because I have absolutely no experience with people assigned two X chromosomes at birth and their manipulating ways. I guess I hate my mother and sisters, my nan, all my cousins and aunties as well, right?
I lost myself for a few years and I’d push certain people away so I could deal with it alone but it was having a negative impact, I had lost people I wanted in my life forever but know how to deal with that. My reaction could be perceived as not right but it was something I had no control over. It was my reality and most should not have been on the back end of that. I had things I had dealt with throughout my life and it all just came out. Nevertheless, I am grateful, that it happened because I couldn’t find a purpose. I couldn’t find the “Why I was alive? Why I am on this earth?”
Yes, I am fighting demons constantly, do you know how many times I have had suicidal thoughts? It always crosses my mind. But my mind is so strong that it keeps those negative thoughts out. That’s why I was always drawn to negative, demonic individuals. I was attracted to them because I was not good, deep down. The hurt I had was there and I wanted someone else to feel my pain. I was broken and shouldn’t have gone down and dealt with certain individuals. It wasn’t fair on them and more importantly myself. Nevertheless, it is what it is. I have made some mistakes in my life but have no regrets. When I take my last breaths in this world and my life flashes between my eyes, I can safely say, I will look back and enjoy the moments where I know I did all I could and appreciate the time God gave me. Even when I blamed Him when I used to cry myself to sleep asking, why me?
“Why always me”
It has always been me, myself and I in everything. I’ve always been my own hero, I am my own biggest cheerleader but I am also my own biggest enemy. Nevertheless, it’s got to a time when I need to be more vulnerable and let people understand me because a lot has come through me not opening up. However, I don’t trust people. So I understand why I am always been called, “Mysterious” by followers on social media, even by my peers who have my number because no one really knows anything about me and that’s how I feel safe. Letting my guard down to people only for them to hurt me anyway. LONG!
Being a free-spirited man feels so lonely but so many people come into my life with intentions to control or break me. I feel like I can’t catch a break. People can say I am stuck in my ways, which is true but I always trying to be better. Anyone who has been around me can never say I have hurt them (intentionally) and negative comments about me are always going to be someone who couldn’t get to me. Imagine how many people dislike you because they didn’t hear your side of the story?
Learn to appreciate closed doors. They’re not meant to hurt you but they’re there to save you. It’s difficult for us to understand this at times, given our limited minds. We need to fully trust the universe which is in complete control. Nevertheless, once I see you don’t appreciate me or my efforts, I take a backseat. I genuinely lose interest when I see myself trying harder than you. I need my energy reciprocated. I won’t be pouring anything into anyone that’s not pouring even a fraction of what I am, into me. Hey, if I tell you you’re annoying me and you still want to play, the block button will come in handy. As a Leo, I am mature enough to forgive you but not dumb enough to trust you again. The minute you start holding people accountable they start moving funny towards you. That’s why I just leave people to their own devices.
To be maintained is to be seen, felt, heard and held which you deserve. I have definitely grown as a person after my negative experiences in life. Nevertheless, If I feel you have disrespected me, I don’t take it like I used to. Usually, I will blow up shit, get you back in some capacity and you’ll know about it but now I just take myself out of the situation and disappear out of your life peacefully. I am way too grown to be explaining shit to people, I don’t have the time and energy for it. I guess it’s a bit of a delusion when I think people will go above and beyond for me because you do the same for them. I have always been let down by people, it’s life, but words are powerful! I fully believe in muting, unfollowing, blocking and deleting numbers. I refuse to be triggered on my own phone.
I got 3 rules;
1) Don’t lie to me
2) Don’t use me
3) If you’re tired of me, just leave.
I will not overlook these red flags again because you will not forget that feeling. You also have a better idea of what you want out of love, trust that. Trust that you know better now and forgive yourself for whatever you think you did wrong. You have to be patient, which is key. It always takes time to build confidence in your decisions but in the end, it is always worth it.
I’m not healing a heart I didn’t break. Take the time to heal from your past instead of using other people to pick up the pieces. Nobody has to accept you, people don’t have to deal with your baggage. You mean to tell me even after reassurance consistently. Encouragement. Positive reinforcement. Consistency. Loyalty and motherfuckers are still insecure?! Poor pussy management back in the day is why you can’t tell when a real dude is there for you?
Are you actually upset over one thing or has it been a culmination of events in which you felt taken for granted, so you chose to consistently practice an immense amount of self-control to become the bigger person and resolve the conflict but now you’re exhausted and fed up? Expect nothing, appreciate everything. Be grateful for the little things in your life to find inner peace. So just do my best and trust the process. Control yourself, not others. Controlling others is strength. Controlling yourself is true power. Learn to react less. When you control your reaction, nobody can manipulate you. Sometimes you got to blame yourself for what you go through because you knew better. I don’t care who I lose anymore, I choose me, I got shit to do. I love the peace that comes with nobody being in your business and nobody knowing wtf you got going on. I used to want to protect my name in situations now, I protect my peace, you can believe whatever you want!
I have nothing else to say in 2023, y’all won’t hear from me again.
The implication is that, by saying allegedly, the speaker is distancing himself from the controversy and even protecting himself from possible prosecution. However, the effect created may be deliberate. The use of allegedly can be a signal that, although the statement may seem outrageous, it is, in fact, true:
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