Gather around, I got a story to tell
Life is deep. Everyday is constant grief and all I what to do is just breathe, so I choose to rely on me because I’ll never let myself down. Look, I say the painful truth in my writing, so believe when I say that I’ve cried some nights, all on my own and I’m thinking why did I choose this life, it’s deep. Where did it all go wrong? Please tell me! I remember and it feels like just the other day when my life was peaceful.
Pain inside, but I’m cool on the surface, because the gang, ain’t tight no more. Some people can’t look me in my eye no more. It’s hurting but I don’t cry no more.
Back then, I’d sit on a wall in East London and just think. Now a few years later, a little bit older, wised up, that much stronger. Back then, I could handle the pressure. I’ve been a star from school, so I’ve got to maintain that. If not, then I get called a wasteman.
If I roll to a next ends, I’m bound to run into a next breh but they ain’t gonna move to me. Not while I’m breathing, I’m not letting them take the piss out of me.
I’m tryin to blow this year but man are still tryin to hold me back like wait there. Look, all this hype cause I am the Darkside Don and all I what to do is make mad p. Look, is this really worth it, this life is far from perfect. I’m nice with my life but I’m not quite there yet. They think I’ve burst when I ain’t even blown yet.
Stop asking if it’s all cool, because all I can do is speak from my side and it’s still all love round the East side. It was only a few years back, I thought I had the strongest team but she wanted to play for the rivals, it’s a fact. Now look I’ve done my first business, no features from anyone, it’s fucked.
Does anyone else have a thought process, where you’re unsure you’ll have kids, a partner and a beautiful home to come home to? Is there any point in this grind.
Like, God give me a sign that all this work, will be worth it at the end?Will I die before my time, per say. Or will God take me knowing I’ve done what He wanted on the short amount of time on this earth.
Will Darkside Rum Punch be as big as I can envision?
Will my words from Darkside Don take me around the world and telling my story to others who have been on this journey with me.
These are the random questions I’m facing like “Why aren’t you married yet? Where’s the kid(s)? I’m like, “Business is business, plus they don’t owe me nothing” All these questions, I ain’t got answers, what do I look like their brains or something?
My last couple of relationships, I expected them to be my last. Maybe, it was my fault. Maybe, I should have done things different, From proposing to on the verge to now have nothing. But I couldn’t take the disrespect so I let them go. Maybe there were my last? I am content though. Maybe, I am not meant to have a family of my own. Maybe, I should be joining someone else’s family (even though that’s not what I really want). Maybe, God has something bigger than that for me. Maybe less.
Mum, wants some Grandkids, how can that happen when dating in a pandemic is non-existent? How can I give her what she wants before God asks for her back. How can I give her want she deserves when most women of 2021 are trash and have unrealistic expectations or they leave you in your time of need. That’s the thanks I get, maybe next time we’ll see who’s really on it.
The mind is fascinatingly scary, there are dark corners we unconsciously do not look into to protect our feeble selves. I personally know of people who never allow themselves to be truly alone with their minds. In the event that they find themselves without the company of another individual, there will always be music playing in the background, or perhaps the comforting familiarity of social media.
As you see I find myself too often ruminating about life, to the point that I know that it’s become counter-productive and perhaps, even toxic to my own psychological well-being. Some people I believe, are just predisposed to day dreaming and overthinking, our minds are like wild birds, who fly from the mind’s eye towards different worlds.
I cannot blame myself, thinking and reflecting about life is a very addictive especially when you’re idle in a pandemic. It is very enticing to let your mind fly after a hard day of doing nothing. There is a certain appeal to it that I do not think that there is a specific word for the feeling that I am looking for. The closest that I know of is
Sonder
The realisation that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness. An epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed. In which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping rum in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.
Not that idea specifically but the feeling associated with it. It’s very much appealing and for me, conducive to letting my guard down and freeing myself to it.
I do not blame you for wanting to stop pondering about life too much and seeing where your story ends up before our death. It’s all too exhausting and as I’ve said, counter-productive and mentally toxic if done in excess. When thinking too deeply, there is always the off chance that you find yourself going deeper into the hole, and you spiral down, deeper, and the next thing you know you’ve gone inside the abyss. So at least, congratulate yourself. Pat yourself in the back, you are one brave soul.
I wish I knew the day of my death so I wouldn’t stress so much about life and what my future holds but I advice that you try therapy. Your thoughts are things. One thing you will learn is that you do not truly own your mind. As you learn to control your thoughts you will notice that they just pop out of nowhere. Are your thoughts truly your own? Given the fact that they come and go as they please, you will really question yourself.
Another strategy would be to busy yourself. Obviously if you’re too busy with all sorts of things like work and the company of friends, only during the mornings when you’re again conscious of life, and most especially at night when you’re about to sleep and you find yourself truly alone with your mind so you let fly.
I’ve said what I had to say man.
Darkside Don
jason-rt.com 