Losing friends to relationships

We all like to think we’re not that shitty friend who disappears the second they get into a serious relationship. Well I know I am not, I think my friends can vouch for that! But why do so many people do this, let’s look further? 

Before we get started, can you please check out my posts that I’ve done on other platforms recently. Thanks to ‘Melanin, Mind and Soul’ and ‘TheMoveHub’ for approaching me to write for them, I really do appreciate it! Let me know your thoughts on the blogs!

LOVE FROM A BLACK MAN

and

STAY IN YOUR LANE

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I mean, we all have that friend, they’re always there when you need them, there for a night out, there to dry a tear or cure a broken heart – until all of a sudden, they’re not. They meet someone and suddenly drop off the face of the earth. We hate that friend for the ways in which they abandon us and we vow to never become them. We tell ourselves that we’ve never been that way and that the next time we’re in a relationship, we’ll behave better than that.

I understand those friendships do change because of your new partner but it shouldn’t get to a point where you’ve become so lost in your new relationship that you completely isolated yourselves from the real world.

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Every time I find myself repeating the above to myself, I always point back to so many situations and that’s the painful truth about friendships. As much as we like to believe that our friends are our soul mates and that nothing on earth could diminish the bond we share with each other, we neglect one key fact! Friendship is, at its core, motivated by a shared deprivation.

 

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The thirst, (if you will), for love, for validation. The need to be cared about, appreciated and understood. We sometimes form friendships because we are lacking all of those things in high measure and we have no other means of acquiring them.

The difference between single friends and relationship friends is that relationship friends are not deprived of love – they have it in abundance. They’ll go through the motions of drinking/eating with you but they aren’t actually hungry/thirsty and it’s just different. It just is.

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We lose friends to relationships not because they cease to make time for us, they cease to care about us. We lose friends to relationships because they lose the fundamental thirst that drives us when we’re single – to be loved, accepted and cared for.  No matter how deep our relationships with one another run, they undergo a fundamental shift once one party has their needs satisfied in a way that the other does not. We lose friends to relationships because they have found something we’re endlessly searching for and so the hunt becomes a fruitless endeavour for them.

We appreciate them when they come back around but we acknowledge that it’s never again going to be the same as it once was. Because at the end of the day, they deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be happy with a partner that we love.

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I understand, that I am a good looking guy and your new boyfriend might feel threatened by me. I get it. I really do. Enough of blowing my own trumpet (pause)

 

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Nevertheless, for whatever reason that you break up with this person, I really hope you don’t ring down my phone and act like you haven’t gone missing for a year. I am not going to be involved in any of that anymore. Nothing to do with ‘jealousy’, it’s a level of respect.

Some might say something like “Friends come and go you know”

Your friends were there before your relationship and they’ll be there if/when he or she is gone. Just remember that.

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DON’T float off in your own little world – yes, you may well be head over heels in love and want nothing more than to lie in bed all day with x but you’ll end up feeling cut off from your friends and family – and eventually quite lonely (especially if your relationship fails)

DON’T put all your eggs in one basket. Of course, everyone needs to work on a relationship and everyone hopes that when you find someone, they might be the one but as the age-old lesson has taught us, honeymoon periods do wear off. If he really does begin to get on your nerves, you don’t want to have no one to turn to because you ignored all of your closest friends for the last x amount of months. Trust us, it’ll sting eventually.

DON’T cancel on anyone – just because he’s asked to do something, it doesn’t mean you should flake on your friends. Say thank you, and suggest another evening when you are free. Your friends are not a backup plan.

DO allow alone time for you and your friends. A night now and again will keep your bond strong.

DO keep in touch – especially if you move away to be with your new love. It’s easy these days with social media, but it requires more than the occasional Whatsapp. Perhaps time to revive the lost art of letter writing?

 

But

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I am just saying 🙂

JasDon

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