For my unborn

No introduction needed. Just read and take it in.

Hello! We’ve only known about you for a few weeks. You are still very small, but we can feel you there.  Some days, your mother feels you moving around all day. Otherwise, I worry there is something wrong – I hope you are just sleeping soundly.

Your Mum has always been a savoury kind of woman, crisps being her guilty pleasure but she has more of an urge for sweet things these days, which according to the midwives means that you are a girl, my little girl. I have a feeling you are a little girl too. If you are a boy I will be equally as pleased, my boy.

I hope every day that you are healthy and will not come into this world with any difficulties. But if you do, I promise I will step up and face the challenges for your sake, to give you the best life.

I will make sure you grow up to be a respectable person with the right morals but obviously, you’ll get to an age where you might feel that isn’t what you want to be and I understand but support you the same way. Despite you being so young, I think about you all the time. Sometimes I feel a bit anxious about the prospect of being a father and having responsibility for another life. I worry that I will fail you and that you won’t be happy when you grow up and it will be my fault.

After you are born, I am going to quit my job and try something new. The problem is that I don’t know what that new thing is yet but I want it to be something I’m passionate about because I want to be a good role model for you. I want my life to be more than just about you so that you learn to be independent and follow your dreams as well. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish. Believe me, I may never find the thing I’m looking for, but I will continue trying to you.

Life can be unpredictable and cruel. I can’t believe we met for so little time. One thing I know is that I am still madly in love with you. I can’t believe I didn’t get to see you in the flesh! I don’t know how I am going to cope! Just know I think about you all the time!

I remember that afternoon when we were all at the hospital and the nurse said

“I am so sorry but there’s no heartbeat”

I remember looking towards your Mum and her voice, I will never forget. It was so calm but mixed in with a steady flow of disbelief, recounting how she had been waiting to feel that reassuring movement inside of her. I just don’t know what to say to her. I know she must be feeling a sense of loneliness and isolation.

I remember getting home and hearing the house so quiet. I look towards her and in hope, she’ll see my “Let’s talk” face.

I know I need to do 3 things with her;

  1. Remember
  2. Acknowledge
  3. Support

A woman does not want to forget about the baby she has lost. We had the name for you so we will say it. I know she will be happy to hear it, even if it makes her sad. Many families plant a tree or have a ceremony of some kind to remember their baby. We will always remember the date and let her know you’re thinking of her and that our baby is not forgotten.


I know I will stumble over your words or not know what to say. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable talking about the loss of a pregnancy; the death of an infant. As human beings, we protect ourselves from difficult emotions, like sadness and grief.

I’ll listen when she wants to talk about it. Sit together when she doesn’t. Hold her hand. Let her cry. When she’s ready, make a lunch date and get her out of the house.

You went way before any of us could imagine. I still in shock.  I hope I am still the person I am today but better, stronger and more open when you feel this. I want you to know that I was so looking forward to meeting you.  But you always be mine! One day, we will meet!

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  1. Rob

    The eloquence that you speak about such a personal and difficult subject is a credit to you. It must have been quite a cathartic process writing this, and for that, I salute you.

    Keep up the musings!


  2. Dominique

    This is such a sad experience you had to go through. My condolences to you and your partner. Miscarriage is something that a lot of couples do not speak about and you have opened up to sharing with others and wrote about your personal experience so openly.


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