For my unborn

No introduction needed. Just read and take it in.

Hello! We’ve only known about you for a few weeks. You are still very small, but we can feel you there.  Some days, your mother feels you moving around all day. Otherwise, I worry there is something wrong – I hope you are just sleeping soundly.

Your Mum has always been a savoury kind of woman, crisps being her guilty pleasure but she has more of an urge for sweet things these days, which according to the midwives means that you are a girl, my little girl. I have a feeling you are a little girl too. If you are a boy I will be equally as pleased, my boy.

I hope every day that you are healthy and will not come into this world with any difficulties. But if you do, I promise I will step up and face the challenges for your sake, to give you the best life.

I will make sure you grow up to be a respectable person with the right morals but obviously, you’ll get to an age where you might feel that isn’t what you want to be and I understand but support you the same way. Despite you being so young, I think about you all the time. Sometimes I feel a bit anxious about the prospect of being a father and having responsibility for another life. I worry that I will fail you and that you won’t be happy when you grow up and it will be my fault.

After you are born, I am going to quit my job and try something new. The problem is that I don’t know what that new thing is yet but I want it to be something I’m passionate about because I want to be a good role model for you. I want my life to be more than just about you so that you learn to be independent and follow your dreams as well. I hope that doesn’t sound selfish. Believe me, I may never find the thing I’m looking for, but I will continue trying to you.

Life can be unpredictable and cruel. I can’t believe we met for so little time. One thing I know is that I am still madly in love with you. I can’t believe I didn’t get to see you in the flesh! I don’t know how I am going to cope! Just know I think about you all the time!

I remember that afternoon when we were all at the hospital and the nurse said

“I am so sorry but there’s no heartbeat”

I remember looking towards your Mum and her voice, I will never forget. It was so calm but mixed in with a steady flow of disbelief, recounting how she had been waiting to feel that reassuring movement inside of her. I just don’t know what to say to her. I know she must be feeling a sense of loneliness and isolation.

I remember getting home and hearing the house so quiet. I look towards her and in hope, she’ll see my “Let’s talk” face.

I know I need to do 3 things with her;

  1. Remember
  2. Acknowledge
  3. Support

Remember:
A woman does not want to forget about the baby she has lost. We had the name for you so we will say it. I know she will be happy to hear it, even if it makes her sad. Many families plant a tree or have a ceremony of some kind to remember their baby. We will always remember the date and let her know you’re thinking of her and that our baby is not forgotten.

Acknowledge:

I know I will stumble over your words or not know what to say. It’s natural to feel uncomfortable talking about the loss of a pregnancy; the death of an infant. As human beings, we protect ourselves from difficult emotions, like sadness and grief.

Support:
I’ll listen when she wants to talk about it. Sit together when she doesn’t. Hold her hand. Let her cry. When she’s ready, make a lunch date and get her out of the house.

You went way before any of us could imagine. I still in shock.  I hope I am still the person I am today but better, stronger and more open when you feel this. I want you to know that I was so looking forward to meeting you.  But you always be mine! One day, we will meet!

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6 Comments

  1. Rob

    The eloquence that you speak about such a personal and difficult subject is a credit to you. It must have been quite a cathartic process writing this, and for that, I salute you.

    Keep up the musings!

    Like

  2. Dominique

    This is such a sad experience you had to go through. My condolences to you and your partner. Miscarriage is something that a lot of couples do not speak about and you have opened up to sharing with others and wrote about your personal experience so openly.

    Like

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