Goodbye

I’ve had a few lighter posts recently but time to hit you all with another hard-hitting topic and something not many people knew I went through but it’s a real-life experience.

If you’ve read a few of my blogs, you’d have seen, I’ve spoken about self-love as I feel it’s very important. There’s a big reason behind that and that’s because I’ve suffered from depression, suicidal thoughts, and physically tried to kill myself.

If you’re suicidal and thinking “I want to die” or “I want to kill myself,” the most important thing is that you get help for yourself. If you cannot find help, this article should help guide you in the right direction.

It’s easy to mistake a low mood for depression. The older generation seems to think we can’t go through it! They’ll tell you to just brush it off and go about your business but sometimes it’s not as easy as that;

A typical low mood can include:

• Sadness
• Anger
• Tiredness
• Frustration
• Low self-esteem
• Worry
• Feeling Anxious

All normal things that we have all have experienced but I was at a stage where it was more than that. So what happens when a low mood doesn’t go away? This is where I fell into depression.

Symptoms of depression that I felt:

• Low mood lasting too long
• Not getting any enjoyment out of life
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling tired or lacking energy
• Not being able to concentrate on everyday things like at work
• Being very forgettable (My younger sisters noticed this)
• Lost my appetite
• Unable to sleep
• Having suicidal thoughts

It’s evident in the fact that so many men commit suicide as they’re not living up to this (mythical) idea of what they should be living. I was at such a low point, where I just didn’t have much to lose if I went. I have no children, no responsibility. Yeah, I got the family but I felt like I couldn’t talk to them, you know I didn’t want them to worry.

“Suicide is the biggest killer of men between 20 and 49, eclipsing road accidents, cancer and coronary heart disease. It is also predominantly a male disorder. Of the 5,981 suicides in 2012, an astonishing 4590 (76%) were men. And yet while Britain has high-profile campaigns on say testicular cancer or driving safely, the biggest killer of men under 50 is not getting the attention it deserves. Women are actually more likely to suffer from depression but more likely to seek help when they encounter trouble. The uncomfortable truth is that stereotypical forms of masculinity are killing men.”

I was having a critical way of thinking about myself,

• I’m boring.
• No one likes me
• I’m ugly
• I’m a failure in life
• Everyone is better than me.
• Things would never get better
• What’s the point?

After work during this period, I literally got home and ignored most phone calls/texts and just wasted the rest of the day which made me even more depressed. When I did build up the courage to meet up with some peeps, I had to play a big act.

Nevertheless, at this particular point is where I couldn’t take anymore. Thoughts of killing myself felt complex, frightening, and confusing. However, I didn’t care if I lived or died. I viewed death as a release and a way of taking control. I felt ready. I took these painkillers to shut out the pain, as I was hurting, physically, emotionally, and mentally. 1, 2, 3, the next thing I knew I had taken about 8. I was so scared; I knew I had messed up. My friend (won’t bait out who) texted me just after that to generally check on me.  I thought that was the end, so I texted her back something along the lines that I was ready to go.

My phone battery died moments after. I can’t even imagine the pain she must have been going through when she received that. It was so silly of me to do but when your head isn’t in the game, you do stupid stuff and to this day, I’d forever be sorry to her.

I had a massive headache, instead of calling an ambulance, I just lay down and I had a vision this was my time to exit this world. But thankfully, I didn’t. It wasn’t my time and I thank God, that I am currently alive, well, and looking forward to my next chapter in my life. I will never get myself in this mood again, as I now know I will always see the bigger picture.

The moral of the story is that I am speaking out and challenging the stigma of mental health and doing so may help save a life. When you’re depressed, you often have a negative way of looking at yourself and the world. It clouds the way you look at situations and helps ensure you continue to have this outlook on life. Like I said at the start, not many people knew I had gone through this so I had to act for a good few months. Even though I was living a ‘normal life’, I spent less time socializing and doing stuff that I love doing. This in turn, made it more difficult to escape the trap and the vicious cycle carried on.

In order to get better, you need to reach out for help. Being suicidal can feel like a trap and you may start believing that no matter what you do, what you try, or however much will power you put forth, you will never get better. Although most people have different stories leading them to feel like killing themselves, the one thing that suicidal individuals have in common is that they want to die. But deep down, if they could get rid of the emotional pain, they would like to live a fulfilling life.

I know some people may think, ‘It’s not that deep, allow killing yourself and it’s an easy way out’ but until you get yourself into this mental state (God forbid), I beg you don’t say stuff like that. You don’t just wake up and think of these thoughts. It’s the last thing you think about but sometimes (in your mind) it’s the ONLY way and that’s the problem.

So this is for anyone who may be feeling a little down, please perk yourself up and speak to someone. There’s more to life then taking yours! Talk to someone and really open up about your negative thoughts you may be experiencing. You might be thinking there’s no one there to talk to but believe me, someone will listen if you just open up! It doesn’t even have to be someone you know, never suffer in silence.

Start each day by speaking positivity into your life. You are worthy. Your life is worthy. Love your fucking life. Take pictures of everything. Tell people you love them. Talk to random strangers. Do things that you’re scared to do. F it, because so many of us die and no one remembers a thing we did. Use your life and make it the best story in the world. Don’t waste that shit!

Thanks for reading and stay strong! If I don’t know you and you just want to talk about things, email me and I’ll be happy to respond.

JRT